Choosing Pets Over Kids: Is This the End of the Human Race?

There are things in life we do without thinking. Locking the car twice just to be sure. Saying “You too” when the waiter tells us to enjoy our meal. And, apparently, for me? Automatically saying "Bless you" when my dog sneezes, but offering nothing but radio silence when my partner invites the sneeze demons.

Listen, I don’t make the rules of my own subconscious. I simply live by them.

I discovered this little quirk of mine last spring when Amanda, my partner, sneezed—loud, dramatic, the kind that shakes the furniture. And I didn’t say a thing. Not a peep. Not a single "Bless you" passed my lips. But five minutes later, our dog Leonard Pie sneezed, and my response was immediate, involuntary, and deeply concerned: "Oh, bless you, sweet baby angel."

Amanda stared at me. Not just stared—examined me, like she was trying to understand how she ended up with a partner whose priorities were so…questionable.

And that’s when I had to ask myself: Are we, as a species, slowly replacing children with pets? And if so, is that really such a bad thing?

Pets: The New Kids, but With More Fur and Less College Debt

There was a time, not so long ago, when the natural course of life was:

1. Grow up.
2. Get married.
3. Have children.
4. Spend the next two decades wondering what happened to your sleep, money, and sense of peace.

But somewhere along the way, something shifted. Instead of investing in future humans, many of us are choosing to spend our best years catering to a 12-pound gremlin whose primary skills include shedding, barking at absolutely nothing, and making our hearts explode from cuteness.

And honestly? No regrets.

Pets provide companionship without the existential dread of, say, raising a child who might one day decide to become a professional TikTok conspiracy theorist. They require care and commitment, yes, but you won’t have to explain calculus to them. (Not that I could explain calculus to anyone. If I wanted to cry over numbers, I’d just check my bank account.)

They also don’t judge you when you binge-watch an entire season of a show in one sitting. A child might someday ask why you never finished that novel you were writing. A cat? A cat simply stares at you with quiet superiority, which, let’s be honest, is the same thing.

The Great Debate: Pets vs. Kids

Some people worry that choosing pets over kids could spell disaster for humanity. A dwindling birth rate! A future where civilization collapses because nobody wants to change diapers anymore!

To this, I say: Have you been to a Costco on a Saturday? We are in no immediate danger of running out of people.

Besides, let’s compare:

At the end of the day, the question isn’t Are pets replacing kids? It’s Do we deserve pets at all?

Because honestly—what have we done to earn these little creatures who love us unconditionally despite our many, many flaws?

Now I know what you are thinking: Why not both? Listen here, Chester B. Moneybags, I can barely afford Leonard Pie's insulin – add the cost of "back to school shopping," and you are living in the red...

Is Humanity Doomed? (Probably Not, But Let’s Discuss)

There’s an argument to be made that if we all choose pets over children, our species will eventually dwindle into extinction. A quiet, fur-covered, peacefully napping extinction.

But realistically? Humanity isn’t going anywhere. There will always be people who want kids, and they’ll keep the species going just fine. The rest of us will be over here, living our best lives with our four-legged companions, stress-free and unbothered.

And if, somehow, we do reach a point where society collapses because nobody wants to have kids anymore, then I propose a simple solution: Dogs should get jobs.

Think about it. They already have the work ethic. Herding dogs? Excellent managers. Cats? Perfect for remote work—if they ever decide to acknowledge you on Slack. Birds? Mail carriers, obviously.

We could have a whole economy run by pets. It’s the logical next step.

The One Thing I Will Always Preach

Look, I get it. Pets aren't for everyone. Kids aren't for everyone. But if you do decide to bring a pet into your life, please adopt.

There are so many incredible animals waiting for homes, and choosing adoption over a breeder or pet store is like choosing to eat the perfectly good leftovers in your fridge instead of ordering a $50 meal you don’t actually need. It just makes sense.

So, whether you choose to have kids, pets, or just a quiet life filled with plants that you struggle to keep alive—know that you are valid. Your choices are valid.

As for me? I’ll continue to bless sneezing dogs and ignore sneezing humans. Because at this point, I think we all know where my priorities lie.

Unless, of course, that human brings me snacks.

Then we might talk.